My whole life, I wanted to live an adventure. When I was really young, I believed that God wanted to use me to change the world. It was pretty much the only thing I was confident in about myself. I’m not sure where the certainty came from, but I just knew that great things were going to happen in the world because of my life.

Some people say I had it difficult when I was young. My family was not close and only grew more distant as the years passed. My twin and I were the youngest of five brothers.  When I was just a boy I thought he and I would be together forever, but as we grew up, even we drifted apart.

I was so bitter toward my dad, who was a pastor. He hurt my family and me so much that, by the time I was in college, I wondered why I even still wanted to be his son. But part of me did.  My mother noticed these difficulties and would often remind me that God must be preparing me for something great because of how much I was suffering. The best champion must go through the hardest training. When I was little, I believed her. Unfortunately, I grew up and the world’s reality overcame my flame of hope.

Since I couldn’t focus on my family, I tried to focus on other people. I tried so hard to reach out to people and be a good friend. This was challenging for me because I was so socially awkward.  In fact, I didn’t even know how to start being a friend. Every time I had the opportunity, I would blow it because I was so lonely that I would latch on to any connection I had with someone.

What I believed about myself came less and less from God and increasingly from how I wanted to feel better in my life. I began to experiment with sexuality when I was around eight. I would even say that I became homosexually active at that time, even though it was more evident in my high school and college years.

I was so nervous to talk to girls, and I didn’t know how to be like my brothers. They were respected. People liked them because they were good at sports and could be comfortable and confident even with one or two people. Me, I was a singer, not an athlete. I had no idea how to even play football or basketball, let alone be any good at them. I felt most comfortable hanging out with old folks or large groups of people where I didn’t have to be too vulnerable.

By the time I started college, I had been homosexually active for over a decade. I had no relationships, only acquaintances. No one wanted to be around me because I would just use people for my own self-gratification.

It’s really difficult when you’re gay and don’t want to be because you have no basis for relating to anyone of either gender. If you’re a guy lusting after girls, you at least have other guys who can relate to your addiction. Me, I had no one in my life who could relate to my struggles. I couldn’t even relate to the gay community because I knew too much about God’s Word to accept its failing attempts to make me believe God wanted me to be gay.

I only had one friend who didn’t desert me. We met at Drake, and after I told him about my homosexual addiction, he so understood and really cared about me in a pure and innocent way. Being the awkward person I was, I stopped talking to him after that. I couldn’t face the reality that someone could see more in me than I could see in myself. In my mind, sex defined me. I ditched the only friend who I could be open and honest with for a lie.

That year, I ruined everything. When I started college, I thought my ticket to greatness was found in the vocal performance major I was pursuing. I cared about nothing but getting out of Des Moines, away from my dysfunctional family, to finally start living a life I had missed all through high school.

Instead, I was chewed up and spit out. By the end of my freshman year, I was alone and had no family or friend relationships—except my mother, who didn’t know half of my life. My dad actually told me he didn’t care about our relationship and wanted me to go away. (In case you’re wondering, he told me that before he knew I was gay.)

After just two semesters at Drake, I quit. I failed not only in college, but in my life completely. I chose to be selfish, I ruined my bright future in music, and I had no vision for my life. All I had left was porn and sex and pathetic grades at DMACC—all of which I hated and didn’t want anymore.

I wanted to die, but to be honest, I was afraid of hell. I wasn’t sure who I was, let alone if I was saved. I would talk to God, but I was so confused. I had become so nearsighted. I wasn’t sure if He had given up on me, but I almost gave up on even Him.

I knew the moment God let go of me was the moment I would die, and I was forced to make a decision in September 2004. One night, a man I had acted with at a theatre company mentioned to me that my pretentious “Christian” actions along with my lack of self-control (i.e. sex) scared him into seeing himself for who he was.

I was so screwed up that he came to know God through seeing how much of a hypocrite I was. He, a guy who had been immoral but was starting to face God’s reality, told me that God wasn’t at the end of the road I was on.

He didn’t push me, but just stated a fact about my life. That night I finally faced God’s reality, too.  Alone in my bedroom, I came back to the faith I once had as a child. I came back not with the excitement I once felt as a boy, but with the knowledge that sin took away everything good in my life and left me with wanting. I came back to the truth that God wanted what was best for me and had a purpose for me.

When I was young, I didn’t understand the price of accepting God’s grace in my life. That night I finally understood what God, at his most basic command, was asking of me in exchange for truly living rather than just existing. I needed to let go of my life so that He could let go of my corruption. The young man I was died that night and didn’t exist in my mind or spirit anymore.

I knew that night that if God still wanted me after everything I had done, I would go to heaven if I would just accept Him the way He was accepting me—unconditionally. That night I was convicted to walk with God and never give up on Him no matter the hurts and hardships.

I chose to never again believe the lie that God just wants me to be happy. I finally chose not to listen to anyone’s advice that went against God’s.  After that night, it was impossible to define myself as “gay.”  My definition became “lover of God.” I entered a new life and a new purpose, and God soon showed me He would not leave me hanging.

The adventure I had so fervently longed for my whole life began that September night even though I was scared and hurting when I accepted Christ. God was positioning people from my past, my family, and my future, and soon I would realize just how far the Lord would take me on His quest to reach His lost world and give me back the years I’d wasted on myself. This is the truth.

The author of this article has requested to remain anonymous due to the sensitive subject matter. His adventure does not end here. Check back in the future to read part two: his life today.