Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. (Ephesians 5:25-28 ESV)

Dear Dale,

Well, it’s been just over a week since we last met. And really, we didn't talk, and that's understandable—it being that you were the man of the day, and I was just there to watch. Congratulations by the way, and I must say, the white tux was a pretty ballsy move. But I think you guys looked great.

The statement I quoted from above has been jingling around in my pocket, like a mostly full change-purse and a key ring. My dad used to carry so much stuff around, all the time. At any given time, he'd have a small hair comb, his wallet, a small coin purse, another little black leather purse which produced his key ring, finger nail clippers; then in his breast pocket there was a calculator, a matching pen and pencil set, a checkbook—I think that's about it. And that was before cell phones and iPods. He might have carried a cell phone if he'd lived long enough, but I highly doubt he'd have gone all the way for an iPod.

Anyway, I'm getting off track. All week that snippet from your wedding liturgy has been clanging around in my pocket like my dad's coin purse.

You and I—we've agreed to lay down our lives, as Christ did for the Church eternal. We agree so easily, eh? How many men, like you and me, have agreed to lay down our lives while imagining firing squads, or burning houses, or lifeboats with just one seat left?

Jesus died for the sake of the Church. Yes. He gave up his life. But I've begun to rethink the phrase "lay down your life." I haven't known anyone who literally died to save his wife. I hope I never do. But I realized, as I was listening to you and your bride recite your vows last week, that laying down your life happens well before the firing squad lines up. And it's way harder than staring down a bullet.

I guess I wanted to tell you what laying down my life has looked like. And I really think that laying down your life at the altar of your marriage will make you the happiest man on earth...

Laying down my life. Hmm. In the apostle Paul's letter to the Philippians, he says that Jesus made himself obedient to death, even death on a cross. Similar to the statement that we (husbands must lay down our life) make on the altar of our marriage, I think we've looked past the foreground for the harshness of the background. I've come to think that while, yes, it's a true statement that Jesus made himself subject to the death on the cross, what is MORE true is that he made himself obedient to God, every time, each decision, every step of the way—knowing that the social and legal penalties imposed upon him by the institutions of human power grew more and more severe—he remained obedient to God's will, each time, even when the next penalty was the most socially abhorrent and disgusting kind of death imaginable. I've come to think of my marriage in a similar manner.

What I mean, is that laying down my life for my wife, as Christ laid down his for the Church, looks similar in that each step, each moment, each little decision goes through different filters than it used to. I used to ask myself, what will this decision benefit me? What will it cost me? Will the pleasure I receive outweigh the cost to myself? Etc., etc., etc. I think you understand what I mean.

Laying down my life has come to mean that those filters are now obsolete in a sense. Christ laid down his life in obedience to His Heavenly Father. Jesus’ mission in Jesus’ life was God’s own mission for Jesus’ life. My new filters have more to do with the cost to my wife rather than myself—and the benefits that we will receive.

I'm speaking very non-specifically. I apologize for that. In my first draft of this letter, I listed off a few things that I think of when I think of sacrifice. Problem is, not everybody values everything the same. And viewed from the wrong perspective, it looks like a list of things that my wife has made me give up. Or a list of things she’s made me to do. And that's exactly wrong. They are things that I've laid aside because my wife, and my family, and the gifts and mission they embody are of greater importance and value.

So instead, I'll simply tell you that laying down your life is not what you think. It can be much, much harder. It's not the crushing boulder. It's the constant drip of pebbles. It’s not whether you take the job that is satisfying to your soul, and answers some lifelong quest, but pays less, or the job that demands more, rewards less and pays more. Laying down your life is not a one-time, long-term decision. It’s in the minutia—the daily grinding out of what your life has become.  

Laying down my life at home has meant that the agenda I’ve spent years crafting with regards to my career, my small group of friends, or what I want to be when I grow up is now subject to review. Not only is it subject to review, it is subject to somebody else’s own needs.  

Laying down my life at home has meant biting my tongue when I had the right to totally blast my wife for something she’s said or done that was just wrong. And hurtful. It’s meant offering an apology when I’d sooner just not say anything and let the sin fade into the night. It’s meant trying as hard as I can to see the world through my wife’s eyes. To see myself through my wife’s eyes.  

Laying down my life for hers has meant offering my skills and abilities not as a means to further myself, but to make her be the absolute greatest “her” that she can be. And not necessarily the way I’d have it. It’s not that I use my skillset and experiences to form her or shape her. Rather I use them to make the bed for her to lay in, set the table for her to eat at, or sit across from her and ask the questions she needs to answer. Sounds painful? Sounds like a nuisance? That's not what marriage should sound like!

Yeah, you're right. That's sin for you. But God blesses the sacrifice. You lay down your life, and He will open her eyes so that she'll see it. And it will make her so happy to be married to you that you will never, ever regret it. And that is what will make you the happiest man on earth. Take my word for it. Someday you will start thinking to yourself, "How could I have ever been so fortunate that I can spend my mortal life with this beautiful girl?" and, "How unbelievable that eternity in God's perfect new world is even BETTER?!"

Yeah. That's what I think.

This is a revision of an article which first appeared in Sean’s blog, Stories & Fingerprints and is republished with his permission.

Sean is a Des Moines transplant of just over 10 years, originally from the stony beaches of Bellingham bay in northwest Washington State.  He is well-kept, with one wife, three small children (boy age 5, boy age 3, and girl age 1), and they all seem to tolerate him.  He is a worship leader at a small local church in Waukee, a former cabinet maker, and is currently self-employed as “stay-at-home” dad, specializing in mediations, dispute-resolutions, and anger management seminars.  He also writes for www.dad-blogs.com (the largest online dad’s community) and has a (currently undermanned) personal blog at www.storiesandfingprints.com.  If you would like to correspond with him, he’d gladly receive your e-mails at sean.covington@gmail.com